Last night I was listening to one of the Conversations With God audiobooks and, I forget exactly what triggered it, but at a particular moment I was struck with deep bliss… So much so that I switched off the audiobook and entered a grateful meditation, just to enjoy the fullness and express my thanks for this moment of Divine awareness… then a very unexpected thing happened…
Turning back time (again)
I had hardly closed my eyes when I was transported back in time, before this lifetime’s incarnation, to clearly see my much-younger parents (at that point seemingly happy, loving and committed spiritual seekers) and in that moment I finally understood why I chose them, and I also saw my whole life from a lovingly purposeful perspective. This was such a joyful revelation that tears were immediately streaming down my face.
You see, for most of my life my parents have not been very happy and certainly not loving towards each other. In fact, my dad has been a depressed alcoholic who turned his back on his spiritual quest since I was about 5—or as long as I can easily remember anyway. From what I understand, my mum was also depressed since before I was born because of their relationship and other factors. Both of them left positions of leadership in their spiritual group when I was four.
All in all, between that, my painful shyness, brothers who constantly bullied me and the confusion of a life where no-one explained anything important to me, I didn’t previously have many happy childhood moments in my conscious memories. And finally, after silently brooding (and occasionally yelling) their way through my tweenage years, my parents divorced when I was 15 and my mum took me away from my childhood home to live in a new country—which was when I fell into a deep depression myself.
“Intentional incarnation? No way!”
So you can understand why, when I was first introduced to the idea that we “chose” to be here (and most-likely even chose our exact incarnation, including our parents), I was confused. Particularly because at the time I was on the tail-end of over a decade of bipolar manic depression. I thought…
“Why on earth would I have chosen THIS bag of misery?”
The only thing that made sense to me at the time was the idea of karma—that I must have been a second-rate citizen in my previous incarnation to “deserve” this.
And maybe that was true.
But more importantly…
What struck me with such clarity last night was my definite intention to be here—to incarnate into the exact circumstances of my life, to have my parents DNA and this timeline of events all thrown into the experiential melting pot for the purpose of discovering who I could be (or how the Divine might express) through this colourful adventure in the playground of possibility.
The gift from this experience was not only seeing my once-happy parents expressing their own Divinity and gaining clarity that I really did intend to be here, but also embodying such an unshakeable sense of our infinite nature.
Another layer of the illusion was stripped away and I was left gazing at my life (in fact all of our lives) in a much more loving and compassionate way than ever before—partly because this latter part of my life is becoming such a stark contrast to the earlier years, that it’s a great story to illustrate exactly how miraculous it can be to remember who we really are at our core—or “let go and let God” as they say.
I know that some of us have experienced hell on earth.
I know that some have been scarred so deeply by life’s events that it’s hard to face even this single moment, let alone a whole lifetime of them. But what I hope, with all my heart, is that you can consider who you really are under all of that suffering and start to “be” from that place … I hope that somewhere in these words you can find encouragement that peace is not only possible, it’s your ultimate and unfailing essence. And that as you align more and more with your Divine Self, you will discover that the suffering can all dissolve into nothingness—just like it did for me.
For more information on healing memories, please see this post.